Why do they just look and not write?

Posted by Ria, 17 Feb

The other day, a friend of mine asked me: “Why is it that men look at my profile so much but don’t write or send me a wink or something? Is it my face? Do I look like a freak?

Most of us run to online dating when finding a date offline fails. We get into online dating with very high and often unreasonable expectations. Why do other members look at your profile and not contact you? I think we need to be a little realistic here. Online dating is kinda like window shopping. We all do it. How many profiles of other members have you looked at? 100? 1000? And out of those, how many did you contact? Should all those you didn’t contact feel rejected and deregister?

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

Some online dating problems are just in our heads. If people look at your profile and don’t write, that means there was something that interested them about you that made them go through the trouble of viewing it in the first place. So maybe you should stop looking at the number of people who looked at your profile vs. those that contacted you and think about what is in your profile that could be making them not write. Could it be your photos, or ‘about me’ essay? Do everything 25% better … It could make a big difference.

Whether you rebrand yourself in your online profile or not, people’s preferences will not be altered. You can’t control the preferences of the other members. Everyone is ‘window shopping’ just as you are and some tools we use to gauge our success online can be very misleading. If you are skinny, the man who contacts you will be someone who is going to WANT a skinny woman. If you aren’t earning a fat six-figured salary, the woman who is going to contact you is ONLY one who isn’t materialistic. My advice: No point in getting bent out of shape about the ones who prefer what you are not.

In your opinion, what would make a person go through someone’s profile and not contact them?

100 responses to "Why do they just look and not write?"

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  1.   Kasteph17 says:
    Posted: 26 Feb 09

    Someone please come to my rescue, am tired of being single,and no man seem to be serious with me, or is it because of were I come from? Come on, Kenya is a good country!

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  2.   salsera77 says:
    Posted: 26 Feb 09

    Addendum ....of course I do want to eventually be in a committed marriage though. My question on this particular site since people live so far away from each other is are you basing your decisions on how much she/he can get on a plane and come to visit you? You hit the interest button but are you really going to travel to him/her regularly if you hit it off? Men: If you live out of town, How much time do you plan to spend traveling to see her? First time only then 50/50%, 100% of the time, 50/50% ,60%/40%, 70%/30%? Men: You hit the interest button, she hits the interest button back. Why don't you email her?

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  3.   salsera77 says:
    Posted: 26 Feb 09

    Thank you, 911 medic and Esmayali, for your comments and I agree with you as I am being poo pooed because I'm passing up someone who smokes and is not geographically compatible to me. Both hold unfavorable issues regarding health and practicality for me. I've been there and done the long distance stint, the boyfriend with child relationship stint before and I'd be extremely hard-pressed to do those things again since I'm happily in the same position you're in, Esmayali regarding children and marriage.

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  4.   Esmayali says:
    Posted: 26 Feb 09

    911 medic: my 2 cents; I receive many hits during the day. I don't smoke and I can't be around people that smoke for several reasons. For me It can trigger a severe allergic reaction resulting in a athma attack. It's not necessary for one to do it in my presence. For the smell lingers on one's hair, clothing, etc, and can be tasted in a kiss. So, don't take it personal. In my opinion health is first. Therefore, if he smokes I keep it moving, for I am sure that there's someone out there for me with a more compatible lifestyle, and for you. Religion: I am very spiritual. Is important for my partner to know this, because I meditate a lot, participate in several metaphysical classes that includes Reiki, drumming, etc. So, religion is key for me also when I am looking for friends, etc. It's easier when we are on similar paths :) Finally, What do you consider baggage? For me I don't have any. Never married (by choice) , no kids (by choice), open mind to any thing that produces growth and improvement. Never had an abusive relationship, travel very often. What I am saying is - don't get discourage because she or he does not have baggage. We choose our reality. I have always believed that what a person have is exactly what they want.

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  5.   911medic says:
    Posted: 25 Feb 09

    On another note: What's up with the 'I'd love to hear from you' replies? I responded countless times, only to never get a reply. Mind you, I keep the initial one pretty simple: name, location, age, regular email address and IM addy to further facilitate conversations Where am I going wrong?

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  6.   911medic says:
    Posted: 25 Feb 09

    Hola! I agree with most of the comments made by everyone; it is a multi-faceted dynamo that is, in many ways, philosophical and rhetorical. Yes, we all look at profiles, for a variety of reasons. These include: 1) picture 2) age pref 3) tag line 4) location Once we open the profile, we look further: (for me anyway) *smoking prefs (I smoke occasionally, and even though I never smoke indoors or usually even around other people, I get 'auto-reject' which I think is stupid so I never attempt even tho in every other aspect we could be 100% compatible) * Instant turn-off's (for me) - long sermons about religion - Claims of 'no baggage' (c'mon, be REAL ! We ALL have some!) - Cropped photos where there is obviously some other 'partner' cut out (tacky and shows lack of class) There are others that we I and we ALL look at. Suffice it to say, all of us should perhaps re-examine our selves, as well as our profiles, and give it the 'would I' test -- Would I date myself?

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  7.   Sciencegeek says:
    Posted: 25 Feb 09

    homesteader forever the philospher. Good job and thanks for the countless advice.

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  8.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 24 Feb 09

    I still like that " Made in American " tag in the collar . All people have opinions and that is All they are in comments / Don't use Titles . Stay neutral , Learn everyday .

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  9.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 24 Feb 09

    Paying for Experience / Is not wasted money if You Learned something We have all Enjoyed helping others . When they are in need of help . To a limit think they call that Christian

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  10.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 24 Feb 09

    Post several pictures / If you have children at home their pictures are A Big part of a Family Package , which is what you are if you Think a Father should care to see them if you talk - who nows maybe someone would like to meet you because of them . Pay a three month subcription / might get Lucky - Believe

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  11. Posted: 24 Feb 09

    I have to admit that for awhile I did take it personally, mainly because of the amount of hits. I thought damn, what's wrong with me? what did they see that they didn't like? But I got over that when for a few reasons. I realized that the vast majority of these guys i wouldn't have responded to anyway and then i began reconizing names from chat. people just curious to see who they've been talking too. but mostly because i realized i've done the same thing. So now I don't see it as rejection but for what it is, window shopping.

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  12.   femmenoire says:
    Posted: 24 Feb 09

    see it like this...how many times are you looked at when you walk into a club? do you expect every person of the opposite sex to approach you just because he/she looked at you? a step further...do you expect every person you talk to at that club to want to have your number and call you? the only difference between that offline environment and this dating site is that we can see who took the glance. that they didn't 'speak' shouldn't be seen as an act of rejection. dating should be an empowering experiencing, not one where you're picking yourself apart because you think you're constantly being rejected. also, you do have the option of contacting that person to chat. the onus isn't only on the one looking at the profile. :) conversation can go a long way in both confirming the attraction or lack thereof. the main thing is not to take this too seriously. in the end, we all have different agendas for being here. i'm thinking the key is finding the person with the same agenda as yours.

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  13.   martha54 says:
    Posted: 24 Feb 09

    Justimommy and Homesteader thank you so much for our input.It means so much that people care about one another in this day and time were in.Justimommy I had a similar experience like your friend did she came out much better than me.I learn later how people post pitcures that are not then at all.I didn't even know you could do that,any way the first guy claim he had a 16 year old daugther in boarding school in spain and he was on an oil rig in the UK.we talked about two weeks non stop when I got in from work.One day he says his kid was in the hospital could I help him and my kind heart said yes I sent money to spain his friend picked up for the hospital bill still I thought nothing was wrong.I didn't see any red flags yet now looking back there were so many of then, I just wanted someone to love it was a very expensive lesson for me.I was to ashame to tell my family so I kept quit I bought two labtops one for hi nad his daugther bought him a new cell phone sent all this to Spain and his friend was to get it to him on the oil rig.I was told his daugther was coming here of the christmas holiday so I sent half the money for airfare fix a room in my home for her and she never came. He says the money was stolen by his friends girlfriend.I gave him my bank account number because he wanted to put money in it for his daugther's stay here oh well. I'm just going to say I had to close my account open a new one.It made me feel so stupid how could a women with my background have fallen for something like this I lost some money but you know what I didn't lose my heart or my spirit and I know some where in this world there is someone who will love me for the women I am.When the next guy came along on this site I got rid of him quite I had red flags flying all over the place.It's ok to make a mistake as long as you learn from it.Thanks again guys for your care and concern,May we all find some happeness in this world we live in.

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  14. Posted: 24 Feb 09

    On-line shopping that is what I call it - I am a non-subscription member - I tried the free dating sites like Black-planet does that site consist mainly of scammers? Free or paying I am so hesitant of paying cause I am so weary and because of my origins even MORE people are weary of me. But I guess when all else fails - and at this rate - I will become a registered payer but in the meanwhile......no offence to anybody YET for my profile looking.

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  15.   Cocosan says:
    Posted: 24 Feb 09

    EbonyColt, Esmayali is right. I think this is a personal issue - HIS not yours! Let him retain full ownership!

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  16.   Esmayali says:
    Posted: 24 Feb 09

    EbonyColt, some people are looking for a relationship, some are already in a relationship, some are not ready for a relationship. Don't take it personal.

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  17.   Cocosan says:
    Posted: 24 Feb 09

    EbonyColt, you just had ONE bad experience - don't let that harden your heart! Sounds like Mr was testing the limits. Did he tell you he was going to be late? Did you have to inquire as to why he was late? Maybe he didn't think the unshaven thing was an issue - he might have thought it was sexy! That unshaven look can be sexy as hell but not if it is scruffy! Maybe he didn't know he needed to bring you flowers. I think men and women need to communicate their expectations etc. openly and upfront otherwise you can't hold someone to an expectation thay don't know about or agree to. Different people have different expectations - like calling when you get back home. For me that is basic, for some, I have found that is unheard of! Maybe Mr is use to dealing with women who accepted his behaviors and thought you would do the same. I don't know - just something to think about. I think long distance relationships can work but only for a specified time. They are alot of work but anything worth having is well worth the work! Two hours away is nothing - try Ohio and Arizona! Good Luck and don't Mr mess up your future!

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  18.   EbonyColt says:
    Posted: 24 Feb 09

    I understand that this is off the subject but there is some really great advice up here and wanted the same people to input. I do not want to take from the bloggers intent to her questions so if you want to e-mail me with your answers please do so. Why do some men no names (Michael97531) write you knowing that you are over 2 hours away, make plans with you, show up 3 hours late, no reason to be late, not shaven, no flowers, stay for awhile leave and not even call back to tell someone that they made it back home. I had changed my plans for the night and stayed up even though I had plans in the EARLY morning. I called him to make sure he made it home ok and then he did return my call. Why even show up or make an effort? Somone told me that I was to nice for this site, is there such a person? Long distance relationships do they really work?

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  19.   Justimommy says:
    Posted: 24 Feb 09

    Martha54, be very careful of the ones with deep accents, usualy they are africans pretending to be white and they even send white men pictures to make you think he's wite. It happend to my friend and he started sending her gifts like flowers and chocolates and come to find out his next step was to ask her for her bank acct number to put money in it and that wasn't what he planned to do he just wanted her bank acct # to get her money out. After saying all of this, just be patient like homesteader said, someone will recognize your quality. But make sure it's not a scam.

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  20.   Cocosan says:
    Posted: 23 Feb 09

    brownskinluv, I agree with you and I am guilty of that myself. Sometimes when I look at a profile again, I see things in a different light - sometimes positive and sometimes negative. There are profiles that I look at several times because I like what I see (and read) and may need some time to get my thoughts together before I contact the person.

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  21. Posted: 23 Feb 09

    There must be countless reasons why someone would look at someone else's profile (even more than once) and never contact them. I know that I, myself, have looked at a profile more than once - many times due to the fact that although I initially found that person physically attractive, there was some attribute or issue concerning that person that I simply forgot about or suddenly realized - something that may have caused me to find that person "less desirable" such as: major height differences, smoking, a negative attitude or simply the realization that I was the one who wasn't their type, etc.

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  22.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 23 Feb 09

    In fact , send some personal messages to others who comment as they are searching also .

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  23.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 23 Feb 09

    martha54 , some look some respond at least there is activity . I was here 5 years and that looked at thousands , wrote back and forth to many . Talked to some on telephone . My package showed nothing special so it was time that was on my side . Commenting on topics brings you to be seen more and maybe someone will like how you feel . Keep with it , Believe .

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  24.   martha54 says:
    Posted: 23 Feb 09

    I,ve had over 140 people look at my profile and had only four responses.Personally I'm beginning to think it might be me.There was another site I joined before this one and out of all the men I choose a scam artist.I tought I had learned but the man I met on this site turned out to be a scam artist to who wants money for his project.Keeping in mind both men say they are American but have very deep accents.Both work between the UK and Africa.I'm not good at this I've had two men my whole life so this dating is new for me.It's hard to meet someone that will take the time to really know the person you are.We all no not everyone on this site is looking for a real relationship but some of us are.If any of you guys have advice for me please send it my way.

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  25.   Sciencegeek says:
    Posted: 22 Feb 09

    Its all about preference. Your picture may be what attracts them to your profile, but upon reading your profile they may read many differences between the two of you and not write or send a flirt because they may not feel you are a match. So don't fret. Someone is out there for everyone. You may friend them here or at your local grocery store. Always be positive. When you leave your house try to look presentable. Also, you can drop hints to members like "visionaryxx at (y). Be creative as well. That never hurted anyone. :)

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  26.   todd05 says:
    Posted: 22 Feb 09

    certainly all of us using online dating scan profiles hoping to find a spark of chemistry in words or photo. sometimes its there, many or most times its not. some pple just get tired of writing something kind and thoughtful, and getting nothing back, just out of common courtesy. so like va songbird said, they fear rejection and dont 'break the ice'. i wish you all luck in your search.

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  27.   rarestgold says:
    Posted: 22 Feb 09

    It's the first impression and it counts for a lot. It could be your smile or lack thereof - it could be the clothes you have on or the lack thereof. No one really knows what the other person is thinking so why try to figure it out. If you're interested in someone who has viewed your profile - let them know and send them a note, you never know what spark may be ignited. And by the way - no one likes rejection but it is part of life so don't take it personally - I don't.

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  28.   VA_SongBird says:
    Posted: 22 Feb 09

    I've done it. Alot of times I'm searching for specific attributes. In order to not mislead the person, if I'm not sure there's genuine interest, I generally will not make any contact. Also, this kind of reminds of dating the traditional. It's very common to admire someone in person and from a distance, but often times... the person is afraid to be the first to break the ice! Technology is cool, but no one likes rejection in any form.

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  29.   Esmayali says:
    Posted: 21 Feb 09

    I love to look at profiles. Once upon a time I received a lovely email from an online dater on this site. His email got my attention, so I decided to check out his profile and maybe respond to his email. I viewed his profile and was amazed at one of his posted picture. He was naked and the only thing covering his genitals was a riffle. This could have been a wonderful man but I made the decision not to contact him based solely on that picture.

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  30.   party1 says:
    Posted: 21 Feb 09

    You can be on a strict diet and still look at the menu!! But if the diet is good enough you wont wanna look at the menu cuz u will be full.

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  31.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 21 Feb 09

    Some come here to date , fewer still to find a mate for Life . It takes some time to complete a Full Profile , while responding to others or just searching to see want others like / dislike . Haste makes Waste . All things not set in stone , like when my wife asked me " why did you say - cannot have children ? " and I stated to her . " men do not have children , they just help to Raise them to be good adults . " find out later , topics take thinking sometimes to place the correct answer the first time .

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  32.   EbonyColt says:
    Posted: 21 Feb 09

    Glock, Good point also with the "find out later", I will look at mine. Thanks for the input and will see what happens.

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  33.   EbonyColt says:
    Posted: 21 Feb 09

    When I first started this site I did take it personal men would just look, maybe send a flirt, but never write. Quickly, I laughed and thought well, I do the same thing. I have answered those who write me but then those who write don’t write back make me wonder why? It seems like a circle that you can’t win. I to wondered is my picture, interest, or what I am looking for. Finally, I just figured I am who I am and words can’t always show the great qualities that I have. If someone doesn’t want to take the time to stop, look, read, write, and answer back to me to get to know me, then “He just isn’t into me” LOL. Time will tell. Good Luck to all!

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  34.   Glock says:
    Posted: 21 Feb 09

    Ebonyprinz, good point. I never could understand that either. You know maybe 1 "find out later" but when you have several, I skip that one. I think we all look at profiles and immediately find out that there is something in a person's profile that would clearly be a problem for us if we ever did start talking. So we move on.

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  35.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 21 Feb 09

    Everyone has their own speed at " Jumping into the Fire " . Then , like yesterday a Ladie advised me that she was not interested via Personal Mail . I have two Statements for that Response ; The First being that she is Plenty slow message ing me a Negative Reply - when I may not have flirted with her , because of her immature way . I found one Who was Very very very Interested in me , Hehe / Second ; So What's the Point ? You snoozed you loosed . LOL for the youth in your letter . P.S. I saw how ashamed you were when you did not even show your picture . Thanks to all that can see experience in what is written about We see in Enjoyment of everyday life of common people .

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  36.   mts2sea says:
    Posted: 21 Feb 09

    Direct marketing, which internet dating certainly qualifies, is successful if you get a 3 percent response. A great response would be 6 or 7 percent. Do the math. Oh, and those who insist upon imposing "find out laters" in their profiles are suspect, at best. Either they joined the site on a lark and never had any intention of utilizing it; or they have a hidden agenda. Please remember, the BIGGEST internet scams right now are the Nigerian dating scams, where men are posting profiles under the guise of women, trying to get a few bucks out of unsuspecting guys with a promise of love and marriage. So, men and women alike have to be careful about who they ultimately decide to make real time contact with. But, taking it as a personal afront when someone does not write to you after viewing your profile is not healthy. Like homesteader said, "...both have to want to make it happen."

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  37. Posted: 20 Feb 09

    I understand the whole window shopping thing and that is not a big issue as I am sure that we all do it. I admittedly have done it. Some guys are looking for ladies that feel the need to expose themselves, (boob shots), some maybe a little classier, some a little sassier, sexier and some just simple. I am not in judgment of anyone as it's a matter of one's taste and personal preference. As far as taking that step from beyond looking and proceeding to writing, something either in the content of someone's profile or even in that individual's own mind prevents them from responding because they have already determined that two seconds into it that they might not be a match. The thing though that I have yet to understand, is why anyone on this dating site or any other would either not complete or update profile their whole profile with corrected information or even include basic necessary information for someone else to review or look at but instead choose to label everything as "Find out later". What is up with that? How can you join a dating site, claim to be honest, open and trustworthy but are not willing to either provide proper information or a picture in some cases. Are you not aware that in doing this you maybe limiting the number or quality of opportunities that you might have otherwise had with a completed profile and a picture? Not to get on a rant but it amazes me that people would want to get on a dating site but not give themselves or a potential mate a fair chance at connecting because they have neglected to share this information. I know the topic at hand is window shopping but by the same token what about those profiles that are not complete or without pictures, are those profiles being "Window shopped over"? I'd like to put a question out there to the masses. What is your perspective over the incomplete or no photo profiles? What is the purpose in doing so?

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  38.   scotsguard says:
    Posted: 20 Feb 09

    It's all about the chemistry, you look at a picture and make a judgement "do I like the look of this person" if so your read on trying to get a guest of the person's personality, smoking may put you off, their location may be too far, they maybe into sports and you're not, could be many reason why people look but don't bother contacting you, they could be basic members and can't afford to renew their memmbership, some of the above reasons are why I look but don't get in contact with someone I find attractive on this site. Someone mentioned about rejection, it's not easy talking about your self in words, it might be better for the person to speak face to face who knows I could go on and on. I will say this though, I've made a couple of pen pals from this site and I'm glad they're in my life even just as friends, there are some very attractive women who all seem to be looking for the same things from a partner, and finially, there are some nice guys left in this world, it's a shame we've got to get through the hurt that some women seem to have gone through in life. To those reading my blogg, take care and I truely hope you find what your looking for if it isn't me ha ah

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  39.   rae56 says:
    Posted: 20 Feb 09

    I'll often look at the profile of someone I know that I'm not interested in but something in their photo or profile caught my eye and caused me to want to see or read more. There are also times when reading something in the profile lets me know that I won't be suitable for them, or them me, i.e., they're looking for petite and I'm a BBW, or, I'm looking for a one on one relationship and he's openly looking for a threesome... NEXT!

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  40.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 20 Feb 09

    If I get the impression that a woman is self-centered or she's dressed too provocative. Please leave something to the imagination. I find it funny that ladies will claim they're looking for a committed relationship but they'll dress in a manner that says she only wants a pillow friendship.

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  41.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 19 Feb 09

    Flower shoppes

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  42.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 19 Feb 09

    Window shopping at a Mall , they got restuarants , theaters and nail shoppes . Hair salons and places to purchase a Box of candy for your Date .

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  43.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 19 Feb 09

    These Profiles are only an Introduction ; conversation with a person Face to Face / be serious , only remember one thing that First kiss . Willingness to make him or Her SMILE Forever

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  44.   hawkercat says:
    Posted: 19 Feb 09

    I dont have a problem with someone looking at my profile. Like everyone is saying 'it is what it is' a place to look and hopefully find a kindred spirit. I look at many profiles. I only respond to a few. What makes me respond? Mostly it is a picture. But not the picture of someone the world would call really cute or handsome. I look at the eyes and then the whole face, Then I read the profile. I want a man's face and eyes to have the promise of chemistry for me. A pretty face does not turn me on. But the 'look' of character and sincerity does. That type of look does not mean the same for me as it may for other ladies. I don't care what kind of car or motorcycle he drives. I do care if he takes care of it. But I would rather he was not possessed by it. I am a detective when viewing a profile. I know what excites me. When i see it I respond. I would hope that is what most people do, unless a person is looking for money, or to be rescued from themselves.

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  45.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 18 Feb 09

    Window shopping here is Enjoyable and the self life of others also will expire before they know it as Beauty is only skin deep . In my youth old bakery products went to the Hog farmers for free if they cleaned the dumpsters . Everyone ages , accidents happen , Murpheys Law / God knowing this gave himself a crutch , And named him the Devil . If at first you don't fricassee fry fry again .

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  46.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 18 Feb 09

    Think of yourself as you really are . I was 57 years old when my wife found a desire to be with me . After I had been on this site for 5 years I am Disabled , on limited income , one short leg , long haired hippie with a full grey beard which she told me added 20 years to my appearance and was teased bye many here . Stuck with it and sucess came for two people when we met . I hope that the ones who hurt my feelings and yours end up with Someone who will make them feel in kind . Read about the ones that abuse their women . There are many to choose from stay with it . I found Beauty is only in ones own mind . Shake my hand and I will show you what a Strong Grip is . Do not cut yourself short . As some will stay alone and miss their chance with a person of Quality .

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  47.   AJ12 says:
    Posted: 18 Feb 09

    Maybe that person didn't contact you because you listed something on your preferences that they don't fit into! There have been many profiles I have looked at and I don't contact them because they're not looking for someone black, or tall, or short, or whatever.

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  48.   trail_hiker says:
    Posted: 18 Feb 09

    I have sent about 200 emails in the past 4 months. I got only 4 or 5 answers. Most were telling me how old and ugly I was. I should change my nickname to "Ugly duck". Cheers.

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  49. Posted: 18 Feb 09

    I see I'm not the only one who has thought this way. But I did eventually change my way of looking at online dating. We don't always buy everything we pick up or look at when we're shopping at the mall, so why should we feel any different about online dating? I hate rejection and it did make me feel like maybe I wasn't good enough, but we each have our own uniqueness about us and that one special thing which sets us apart from everyone else and that is what we should be proud of. When you see that you've been viewed by many, think of it as a positive thing: you were interesting enough for them to stop and take notice.

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  50.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 18 Feb 09

    Smile , time is all it shall take . My wife who I met here told me at first that she read , I rode a bicycle and that she did not so in the beginning she would not respond to me . Differences in life , desires and in the end many look for Blessings on a money scale . Get together first then grow this Bank account . All I will tell you is " Nothing ventured - Nothing gained " . Remember you are starting a New life when you seek to find another online . For this life to grow the seeds of time have to first be planted . Then fertilize with feelings and a lot of warmth . Then years from now , you shall reap what you have sown . It takes two to form a partnership in Life , both have to want to make it happen .

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